Saturday, May 10, 2014

Choosing True Recovery

Well hi!

So this morning, I had a practice APUSH exam. I woke up. I ate my oatmeal. I drank my coffee. And I went back to bed until 10:30.


Luckily, it was optional (passing, however, is not). I decided I was just too tired to go, that I've done AP tests before, and that I'd study my little butt off every single night until the test. I will! I promise! I am NO slacker!

(Yeah I used that barrier to transition, you know I have issues with that! For shame for a lit professor's daughter....)

Today, I wanted to talk to you guys about "true" recovery. Sometimes, it's really hard to put into words. I get confused about how I should break it up, because there's so much that goes on, that I don't know how to condense it down!

So I guess my first thoughts on it should be what I've experienced up to this point.

Lately, I feel like I have gotten kind of..."sucked" back into the eating disorder world. What I mean by this is, is for the past few years I've tried to avoid anything ED. Sure, I would mention it on the blog, and sometimes even in conversation, but true, involvement in the community was not something that I wanted. I wanted it just wiped from my past, I wanted clean slate. Prooobably why I was still having a few issues.

But the truth is, is that will always be in my past! And from the very beginning, I asked God, "What is the purpose of this?" and I prayed for there to be a true purpose. And I feel that my purpose is now. It's getting involved, giving back, inspiring, and that requires thinking about EDs sometimes.

Because for so long, I've been in pseudo-recovery. And when I decided to take the last steps, I told myself I would jump with both feet it.

I struggled. I was still. freaking. in. pseudo. recovery. Yeah, I was eating more. Like a lot more. Heck, I put on a few pounds. But many days, it's been hard, and I have certainly not jumped with both feet in.

What is pseudo-recovery? I was still counting calories (and although getting a lot more, still not enough for my personal needs). Still weighing myself. Thinking about my body. And even though I felt uncomfortable, I was honestly doing what felt most comfortable (ie, attempting to control things). This is not recovery, and it's not food freedom!

And the only reason I confess this is because, I personally feel....that it's okay. Before you go all annoyed/defensive/think, "WTH are you thinking?!," hear me out. It's not okay being dishonest with myself. But right now, I'm not being dishonest with myself!! I think that "true recovery" is a learning process more than anything, and we learn by making mistakes.

I realized what I needed to work on. I opened my eyes. I am eating more than ever, exercising less than ever, and choosing true recovery.

Some days, I am supah bloated. I eat the minimum anyways, because that's the fuel my body requires. Sometimes I am really tempted to hop on that scale, and not just "out of curiosity." I have to literally talk to myself and say, "Jessica, you are more than that number. Your worth is not that number on the scale." And you know what? It works. It really does. Also, I know that if I'm eating enough, there's no reason to "check." :) If it's easy, I'm probably not trying hard enough.

To be honest, it brings back a lot of my past, and a lot of early recovery memories. But I'm not in that place anymore. I don't struggle with the same issues. I'm just someone who was content in her recovery, and is now ready for true freedom.

That's my goal. That's my purpose. And it's freaking possible. 

So will I be talking about recovery more? Maybe. And I'm okay with that!!! I want to inspire people and be true to myself. Avoiding the topic of ED on my blog is not me. Discussing recovery is. Discussing happiness and freedom is. It's just another phase, another season. And I'm soooooooooooooo happy and I want to show others that freedom is possible, because I am running towards it, and living it.

Love you guys. Mean it. :)


  1. Beautiful girl! You are so strong and lovely! Anyone who can talk about their past and recovery on their blog for all to see is courageous and brave. You do inspire anyone struggling who comes here and reads!
    Thanks for putting a positive smile on my face sweetheart! XOXO

    1. Thanks so much, girl. That means so much to me! xoxo

  2. LOVE. SO. MUCH.
    You are absolutely right when you say that honesty to yourself is a sign of true recovery, because EDs are indeed essentially all about denial and those nasty lies in our heads. Jessica, you are a freakin' warrior, and I am so proud of you for really digging into your thoughts to CHOOSE recovery and write this beautiful post.
    You inspire me. For real.

    1. Aliisssooonnn thank you, love!! You inspire me every single day - love you, girl!

    2. I'm right there with yer Sista!..let's holler how epically amazing this freedom feels. For being slightly unsure of how to get those words tumbling out - you got me good and captivated :) . I'm feeling the exact same way..I want to talk about my recovery! I want to go into detail about how "impossibly daunting" it all first seemed..but how worth it it was; to push through those self-built barriers and break free. Thank you for making me feel good about "wanting to share" :) !

  3. You have come so far and I know you will push past this point as well :) I'm beginning my recovery journey and you are an inspiration for me :) Keep fighting. Just the fact that you posted this is a huge step in the right direction!! :) I'm trying to find the words to discuss recovery on my blog right now.

    1. You are so awesome, and thank you so much! Take all the time you need to discuss recovery - it's a pretty big thing to talk about. You are doing amazing things, girl. Love you!

  4. Love love love love love. I think when you first posted that you were going to "jump with both feet" into recovery that you really inspired me to do the same. In these past few weeks I have had ZERO anxiety about food. It. feels. amazing. Life can be fantastic once you let go of food being a main focus!

    1. Omg Leeiigghhaaa. Thank you so much! You are such an encouragement! I love ya!