Letting Go of Calories Part 1! (a part of my recovery story)

Hello, hello my friends! We have almost made it to the weekend (and my birthday is in 5 days, no big deal).

Do you guys make weird faces when you type a blog post? I do. Like when I have some sort of strong emotion, or any emotion at all really, I make a face to suit it. And I'm not a robot, so let's face it, if you see me making facial expressions at the computer screen, I'm probably typing a post.

Today I'm talking about something that's somewhat of a hot topic in the HLB world. Lots of great things are taking storm in the health world: coconut oil, gluten-free, paleo, vegan, HIIT Workouts, Crossfit, Half-Marathons, intuitive eating....so why write about calories?

To be blunt, calories are my security blanket. This 100% has to do with my eating disordered past. When I'm stressed or unhappy with something, I do tend to fall back on this habit, whether I realize it's detrimental to me or not. Calories are just so..definite. They're measurable. I can count them, I can control them. I can decide how many I want, and how many I don't want. This is the way a lot of eating disordered/recovering/even recovered minds tend to think.

 I'm SICK OF CALORIES. Well, sick of the rap that they have. I don't think they deserve to be bashed on. They don't deserve that, they can't help if they give us energy. That's their job.

Calories are given too much power, and as I just said, I am totally guilty of that.

Let's start with the basics. Calories (along with weight, but that's a whole other story) are literally the most basic form of nutrition that you can monitor/count/whatever. Actually, they're not even nutrients, they're simply a unit of energy that your body uses. It's the nutrients within the calories that matter.

A confession: I used to be a slave to calories. Every single morsel that I put into my mouth was calculated. Through false information (mostly from the media), ignorance, and eventually self-destructive behavior, I came up with a set amount of calories every single day that I would allow into my body. If I exceeded that limit (normally on accident), I was disgusted, annoyed, angry, and highly stressed. Not to mention I was quite sickly, weak, grumpy, irritable, and overall miserable. It was a terrible, vicious obsession that had much more to do with my emotional problems than anything else.

These outright, obvious behaviors were pretty much disposed of after seeking treatment, where all of my calories and intake were calculated/served for me and I learned that hey, eating isn't so bad after all!!!! Eating makes me feel good! But I was thrust back into the real world after being shielded for three months - I still had no idea how many calories I was eating, as I strictly followed my meal plan.

This worked for a while, but I eventually relapsed into old behaviors. Calories, my go-to calculation, were severely restricted yet again. Choosing what to eat caused me more anxiety, I lost weight, and my depression returned. Luckily, I had a fan-freaking-tastic therapist and nutritionist who helped pull me out of it - I gained weight back and became less obsessed with calories. For the first time in 3 years, I was actually eating what I wanted to. 

*Now getting into recovery talk*

This was turning point number 1 in my recovery: I could eat without counting calories. I could be confident with more weight on my body. I felt so great, but still followed my meal plan to a T. I was not prepared for flexibility yet.

Turning point number 2 was when I began adding physical activity back into my daily routine. I began by taking walks. The more weight I gained, the better and stronger I felt. Also, I was exercising for the fun and joy of it, not to make up for what I had eaten!! I was not obsessing over calories, but I know for a fact that I was still not eating quite enough, as I hadn't entirely gotten the hang of intutive eating. I was still quite regimented with my eating habits, in other ways. Nutrition was not my priority, mainly what I considered "healthy" foods, but the flame of my passion for nutrition was sparked.

Turning point number 3: educating myself in nutrition. I began reading HLBs, and the rest is history on that subject. I have learned SO MUCH and I feel now more then ever that this is the field I want to enter. I am so incredibly inspired by many blogs, and I soak in as much nutritional info as possible. Nutritious food became important to me. Fat, proteins, carbs, nutrients, antioxidansts, and whole world of new foods I would have never discovered was opened up to me. I probably would never have eaten almond butter if it hadn't been for blogs. I'd prefer not to think about that possibility.

Cross country was the 4th turning point. I was healthier than I had ever been. I can't even begin to explain how alive I felt. How just....gah. I can't even talk about this without gushing. At this point, I had gone from a depressed, sickly girl, obsessed with food, shy, and withdrawn - to someone who was ready to spread her wings. Joining cross country was my symbol of freedom from all of the crap I had gone through. Running was the love of my life, I was involved in something, I was making friends, I was me. I don't think anyone on my team, my coaches, friends, or parents will ever understand how much of a blessing cross country was to me.

I am now in what I'm considering that last turning point in my recovery. Being 100% totally completely honest, I know I did not eat enough during cross country. While I did eat "sufficiently," (as in I maintained my weight and was able to keep up during workouts) I know I did not fuel myself properly (there are a variety of reasons). Obviously this had repercussions, and I'm almost positive that my end-of-season burnout was [partly] a result of this.

This, my friends, was a blessing in disguise. YES I felt like crap. YES I had to take a running hiatus that totally freaked me out. Almost automatically, I began subconsciously counting calories again as a way to handle my stress.  But it showed me the importance of keeping my body properly fueled and finding a balance with rest/exercise. Which I'm gonna continue with in the next couple of days, but for now, I think you guys have had enough of a brain purge.

I really hope you guys stick around for the second (don't worry, it's also the last) part of this post - I think that it pertains to a lot of girls going through recovery, or maybe even struggling through body image. Pretty please?

Adios amigos!