Friday, August 8, 2014

I am NOT my past

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Taking this summer (and basically all last year) to truly make myself and my health a priority, a lot of my thoughts have had to revolve around some things that I thought I tucked away a long time ago.

Sometimes, I don't like the "HLB" world. I get to where I don't care about fitness tips, I don't want to know about the latest diet trend/experiment, I don't want an "vegan, all-naturally sweetened without a bunch of disgusting chemical crap" recipe, I don't want to see a "journey" with weight and food and how it has affected their lives and they must be reminded every day of their commitment and strength...I just want to see people live out of their past. I want to read about how they went to this awesome summer concert and how they wore a flowy summer dress and didn't wear makeup and how they got a waffle cone afterwards and sat around and laughed with their family and had a beautiful time. I want to see who they are.

That being said, I think a lot about my own past, my own blog, my own story, and my own experiences.

I am sharing my testimony this month at my youth group. It's an intimidating thought, to be honest. There are a lot of deep, dark places in my story that are hard to articulate and I don't like getting into. I didn't have "disordered eating," I had an eating disorder. And I was quite a "severe" case at that. Even now, with the progression I've made, sometimes I feel ashamed of what took place in my past. Even though I frequently mention my journey on the blog, sometimes I am very wary. Everyone has a story, but sometimes I just feel that mine is too dark to tell. And sometimes I feel like I still reflect that.

What a ridiculous notion, am I right? I in no way, shape, or form reflect my past in my day-to-day life. (I'm not talking about the every-once-in-a-while thought, I'm talking about the true grit of my ED.) I feel that Satan places these doubts, fears, and shame in our hearts, when really, we should use these stories to glorify the work of God. And no matter how Satan, the world, and myself tries to tell me otherwise, I am not my past. My past was not me. I am not my past eating disorder, I am me.


A friendly, silly, nice person who likes to make friends. 

A hard worker, who likes to work as I would work for the Lord. 

A person who gets tan by being outside all day and taking walks, rather than laying by the pool. 

Someone who cherishes nature and God's creations. 

Someone who loves to sing loudly to any and every song, even if I skip verses or am off-tune. 

Loud (like, overly loud...), weird, and adventure loving

Sensitive, caring, and artistic.

A person who loves to be active but also can't function without naps or "quiet time."

Strong, compassionate, and strong-willed.

Not a born leader, but a loyal and faithful follower (which is just as important).

Someone who is confident in my "au natural" face....I hate makeup and love my freckles.

A book worm, and definite dork and nerd. 

Someone who loves food and loves to eat. 

A cat lover all the way. 

Extremely close to my family and friends. 

A music lover, especially classical and indie groups.

A daughter, a sister, a cousin, a granddaughter, a friend.

A daughter of The Lord and confident in Him as my rock.

I will tell you which of these reflect my past experiences. None. Not a single one. Because I am not my past, and my past does not reflect who I am, or even who I was. And because of that, I can soar without any doubts in my mind, and I can move forward as me.

Cuz I'm pretty freakin' awesome. 


  1. Loved this post girl! Beautiful and so right! XOXO

  2. Hallelujah, praise the Lord for this beautiful daughter of God!!! Jess, you are a vibrant light in this world, both online and off. It's true— your past is unchangeable, but it should never define you. You are so inspirational and amazing, girl. Keep doing what you do. ♥

  3. In love with this so much <3 <3 <3 you should, like, send this into an essay contest because you would win FIRST PRIZE. So beautiful. I do think that our pasts are important, especially because they helped shap who we are today. But in no way should it affect how you view and feel about yourself right now. Love you girly!!

    1. I totally agree that our pasts mold us into the people we are today, and it's good to take a step back and look at ourselves in the present. Love you too!!!

  4. Ah this is amazing! I just wrote a college essay about this type of thing! I've never shared my complete ED story on my blog, because I want people to see my living now, not what happened then! The past can really shape who we are, but we are by no means our past. There's a quote that's “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” It's one of my favorites. It's who YOU are on the inside that matters way more than your past. You can't change your past, but the fact is that you can't touch it. It's done. You can't let it bother you. This was such a great post girl! I hope you are having a beautiful Sunday evening xx

    1. Wow, what an awesome quote!!! I'll have to remember that. And thank you so much girl, it truly is what's on the inside that counts!! Love ya!

  5. Absolutely loved this post. You truly are freak'n awesome! And I can totally relate to this post. I often have to remind myself that I am awesome. Sometimes is easy to forget how original & beautiful we are, but we just have to take some time out of our day to think of everything we are good at & everything we like about ourselves.. rather than dislike. Keep being awesome :)

    1. Aww, thanks chica! And I totally agree, we all need and deserve to look at ourselves in a positive light - because the truth is, we're ALL awesome!!! :) :)

  6. I am not one to cry over things that I read... but this post got to me. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with me and the rest of your readers. You have had a profound impact on my own recovery.