Last night, I came up with the grand idea that I would be going on my "medium long run" for the week this morning. Five miles before breakfast, count me in. I had also set up the crockpot for overnight oats that are superb - rolled oats in the crockpot are just as fluffy and delicious as steel-cut!
Then I woke up. Both of my alarms were off (the one for 2am to turn the oats on, and the other for 8 to get me up for my run). What?!! I must have subconsciously turned them off.
I got out of bed (it was 9), went to the kitchen, and there sat my mise en place for crockpot oats, untouched. I could also still feel the exhaustion in my body, but was starving. There goes my morning run and my creamy dreamy crockpot oats.
This doesn't seem like a big deal, like at all, but I stood there and cried. I was upset over my missed run and lack of oats.
But I made a different breakfast (stovetop oats as opposed to crockpot), that was beautiful, nourishing, and delicious.
I lounged around in the quiet, and then motivated myself for a fantastic 5-mile run. I was relaxed, I had no pain in my knee or feet, and I loved every minute of it.
Peeps, I've been an absolute ball of stress lately. I try not to let that come through on my blog, but sometimes I can't really help it. The blog is one of my outlets, so naturally it reflects a lot of what's going on.
I've had a lot of stress in my personal life, and within myself. I've had a few not-so-nice things said to me. I've had a lot of doubt and anxiety. Everyone goes through phases where life just feels...well, it feels hard!
As I stood there, tearing up about a bowl of freakin' oats, I decided that enough was enough. I have been playing the comparison game too much lately. Who cares what I eat. Who cares how I exercise. Who cares what my body looks like. Who cares if I don't have all my crap together all the time. I am not perfect. Totally okay.
I am not a morning exerciser. I would rather have my morning "me time" with a bowl of oats and cup of coffee than out on the pavement. Totally okay.
High running mileage is not for me right now. I feel so much better with a variety of workouts, and max out around 5 miles on a run. Totally okay.
I don't blog every day. I can't blog every day. 2 or 3 times a week is what's most natural for me - I don't want blogging to be a chore, I want it to be my creative outlet. So if I blog only once a week, either not much is going on, or everything is going on. Totally okay.
I eat in a healthy, nourishing way. I get looks, and (sometimes, dare I say it), judgmental comments and looks when I, for example, order a salad/opt for a sweet potato over a white potato/pack my lunch. It hurts sometimes, but I like salad. Totally okay.
I, even at a healthy weight, am more slender than curvy. My body shape favors my father's side of the family, I am not terribly muscular, and I do not have a very womanly body shape. Yeah, I have hips and thighs and boobs, but they are not, ahem, voluptuous (and yes, this makes me insecure sometimes). This is my genetics. Totally okay.
I have awful skin. It does not matter HOW MANY healthy fats I eat/dairy I avoid/creams I use, my skin just sucks at the moment. Around my nose/mouth might be dry and flaky, while my forehead/the corner of my nose has acne. I'm a teenager. I have hormones. Totally okay.
#nofilter
I don't get noticed by boys much. Yeah, I said it. Sometimes I am just not happy wondering why all my friends have boyfriends. Prom season is here, and I'm planning on staying at home with ice cream in hand and watching a movie with my sis. I'm only 17. I have time. Totally okay.
I am freakishly stressed about my future. I am going to be in college full-time next year, but still enrolled in high school (joint enrollment), and I have a while before I choose my career. But I stress about what career I want God to lead me into, if I'll make the right decisions, if I'll ever be able to travel like I want to. I am future- and goal-oriented. Totally okay.
The truth is, my heart is so full. My heart is filled with love from my family, friends, and my church. Attempting to be perfect just brings you down - what's the point? What's the point of comparing yourself to other people, who are completely different than you?
I am far from perfect. And I'm totally okay with that.
I absolutely loved this post Jessica! I am 17 right now to and I know how all the stress and anxiety can get to you and you just need to let it out. When I am going through difficult rough patches I know I cry at the slightest thing! And everything you said your not perfect with totally describes me as well, haha! We just have to remember to love ourselves and live our lives to the happiest and healthiest they can be while surrounding ourselves with love and family :) XOXO
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Rebecca! I totally agree! Loving yourself is of the utmost importance - if you love and trust yourself (and others, too), everything falls into place!
DeleteJess- this post is beautiful!! I really hope writing all of this helps you to believe it, because it's all true. You are SMART and BEAUTIFUL the way you are!! I've cried so much over food and my body. I wish I could take it all back. When I step back and look at life, kind of like you did in this post, it helps me put things back into perspective and move on. We are too good to let ourselves be defined by numbers. The future is going to play out the right way- everything good and bad happens for a reason. Blogging should always be fun- it should never be a stressor.
ReplyDeleteKeep on smiling girl!! :D I'm rooting for you. Sometimes life feels really tough (doesn't it always seem like it's this time of year? The end of winter) but somehow we always get through it and come out on the other side a stronger person!
Aww Emily, your sweet words always bring a smile to my face!! Seriously, thank you for being so incredibly uplifiting.
DeleteYou are so right about not letting ourselves be defined by numbers, the food we eat, and the way our bodies look. We are so much more than that, and we deserve to recognize it!!
Thanks so much, girl. You're awesome!
I love when you are honest with how you feel and not just have such "perfect" posts. It really is nice and makes me feel I get to see the real Jess. It made me laugh..the crying over oats thing because I remember when I was stressed and the dining hall was out of peas and I literally just started sobbing...in front of everyone...over peas. Someone asked if I was okay and all I could say was "Peas...please...peas.." That was the strangest look I ever got. Haha. It also reminds me of our time on "summer vacation" we will call it. I would be so stressed any little change in what was on menu would make me flip and cry...no wonder those rarely happened lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know what amazes me. The things about your body that you mentioned you don't like have always made me...well...envy you. And I love your spunky new do...and have never ever noticed anything about your skin. It made me laugh. The very things you see as imperfections I either don't notice or see as perfections. Made me wonder if others do the same for me?
And lastly..I am realizing the same with food too. I keep telling my N I want to want the things normal college students do and I will push myself to face them...but what if I like oatmeal at dinner? Or large salads for lunch? What if I don't crave sweets but would rather have cinnamon apples with a little fro-yo? You made me realize I should accept where I am today. What I like. And stop judging and comparing myself so much.
Love you and hope we can spend time together this summer!
Thanks Jess! Lol I've definitely had my fair share of food stressing in the past, but it's so nice to know I can push past it and overcome any anxiety I might have!
DeleteAnd you're right that we don't view oursleves how others view us. We are our own worst critic - you are amazingly beautiful, awesome, and strong, that's the Jess I see.
I think that accepting who you are in the moment is the way to feel the happiest, and to just QUIT stressing about the future or things you can't change.
Love ya Jess!
I seriously cannot even being to explain how amazing you are and how amazing this post is!!! Jess, you are perfect in God's eyes, and you're right— who CARES what other people think?
ReplyDeleteI've had so much trouble with the comparison trap in the past. This girl ain't blessed in the chest either, I'm willing to eat canned green beans from the school lunch, I have a scrawny upper body, I can't run a long distance for my LIFE, and girl, staying home from prom my junior year was a heck of a lot of fun! Enjoy it. :)
I love you so much, Jess! I have to be honest and say that I was stalking your Instagram or Twitter photos (I forget which one) one day, and I was literally saying to myself: "Gahhhh she is SO pretty!!" Not lying a single bit.
Aahhh thank you so much girly! What a sweet, sweet comment, I can't even. I am unable to even.
DeleteI totally relate to pretty much everything you said (minus the long distance run....lol), and comparing does suck the joy out of life! You are honestly such an inspiration to me as I always feel you are totally honest, you're okay with being quirky (in a good way! I love it!), and I always think about how pretty you are when I see pics of you!! You just seem to embrace life!
Thank you so much for being an awesome person and making my day a little brighter! You rock chica, love ya!
Girl, you're awesome!:) I just found your blog, and even as a 29 year old woman, I gotta tell ya- you've got your stuff together! You have a mentality about yourself I wish I had had at a younger age. I'm following your blog, I love it!:)
ReplyDeletePS- I discovered the same thing about myself recently with liking my coffee and oat meal time instead of exercising first. Exercising later works best for me now, even though it used to be the opposite when I got up at 5 every morning to go outside. I had the hardest time accepting the change my body wanted, but finally I have. Thanks for getting it!:)<3
Aw, thanks chica! That means so much to me!!!
DeleteI think working out later is so much more enjoyable than making myself wake up early - believe me, I have tried. Many times. :)
Thank you for stopping by and have an awesome day!!