That's exactly how I woke up
We started school on Wednesday this year, as it's August 1st. Which I frankly don't understand....we couldn't wait another three days? Oh well - gotta go with the flow.
So. First day as a sophomore. No longer a "little freshman."
Does my face look reddish????
*Okay, that picture was when I got home from my first day back. We don't really bother with "first day" pics (we're terrible Americans!), but I thought for the sake of the blog I might as well. :)
I would like to use this post to gush about how much I love school, love being around my friends, enjoy having a schedule once again, but - unfortunately, that's not really the way it went down.
School actually reminded me that recovery...it's not all sunshine and butterflies. When you do well (which I have absolutely no regrets about), you get into this mode that "I am doing fantastic. I will never have ED thoughts ever again for the rest of my life and that's that."
Yeah, uhhh....that's not so true. At all.
But before I get into the icky stuff, I will assure you that there were many, many positive things that happened for me returning to school!
Right. Icky stuff first, and out of the way.
Being back in school basically flooded me with every single insecurity that I've ever had to resurface into my thoughts. It kinda sucked.
Being around people that I hadn't seen in two months, or that I've never seen/talked to at all left me feeling super vulnerable - after being with just my family practically the whole summer, being around a huge crowd of teenagers made me feel very uncomfortable in my own skin.
Okay, this is me getting vulnerable on the world wide web: I actually sunk back into the "Ed" thought mindset for a little bit. It wasn't like "I am fat therefore I cannot and will not eat," it was more of a depression/anxiety/insecure mindset. A hundred lies that I hadn't told myself in months completely weaseled their way into my brain - "I'm ugly. Everyone thinks I'm weird. I'm a loser. Nobody really likes me. I will never ever have a boyfriend and never get married. I suck. I'm not thin or lean enough. I'm the ugly duckling."
Terrible thoughts! I hate to admit that all these really did nag at me all day. But note that I'm not the only one who puts up with lies like this - pretty much all girls have issues like this one time or another. Especially girls dealing with or recovering from and ED.
So what did I do? I sucked it up at school. I stayed smiley and happy. Buuuutttt as soon as I got home I promptly cried myself the Nile River. <---some in Mom's arms, some face-down on my pillow.
But I don't say these things to get attention, or to have you feel bad for me - I say these things because they are the truth, and they don't only pertain to me. Most all of the girls in my school have felt these things before, or even on the same day!
After a good cry (which really did help - tears release endorphins!), a long talk with my lovely Mommy, and some froyo, I pulled myself together - and tried again on Tuesday.
Going into the school with a different mindset supremely helped me - rather than self-depricating self-talk, I said to myself one word (that is clearly stated in God's Word): Fearless. I am fearless!
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7
Long story short, it did the trick. :) God works that way, ya know. So what are the positive things that school has opened up for me?
It's a window of opportunity(ies). Opportunities arise of new friendships, strengthened relationships, academic excellence, nurtured talents and hobbies, self-discovery, and opportunities to serve and give back to others what you've been given.
I see my lovely friends every day, I get to take the classes that I thoroughly enjoy (except for geometry), I meet new people leading to new friendships, I'm back on a schedule.
Now that I have the first week out of the way, I'm going to make the best of the 177 days I have left in the school year. Plus, I'm still counting August as "summer" (cuz it is).
Looking forward to: BEACH!!!
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